Growing Up Hormonal

-Neil Diamond 1967

In September 1984 I woke up to ‘Two Tribes’ by ‘Frankie Goes to Hollywood’ blaring out from my clock radio alarm, apt as wow did I feel ready to go to war. I was irrationally irritated which wasn’t helped when the song finished and I was subjected to DJ David ‘The Kid’ Jenson’s annoying nasal drawl on Capital Radio. I was still tired, but more than that my tummy hurt.  I threw off my Pierrot duvet, popped on my Garfield slippers and stalked towards my bedroom door, briefly pausing to blow a kiss at gorgeous George Michael who smiled down at me from the many ‘Smash Hits’ magazine pull out posters that adorned my walls.  I studiously ignored Andrew Ridgley as together they may well have been ‘Wham’, but it was all about Yog for me. Even on my darkest days my ten-year-old heart still fluttered for him and I could not wait until I was old enough for us to get married!

Mum was in the kitchen alternating between eating her breakfast choice of a diet Ski yoghurt and half a grapefruit, whilst putting out my options of Cornflakes or Rice Krispies. I had zero interest in Kellogg’s Cornflakes, and Rice Krispies’ purpose was only to enable me to collect enough tokens from the box to get a free 7-inch single. To be honest the pop record selection was limited and I settled for Paul Young’s ‘Love of the Common People’.

I stood in the doorway, willing my Mum to turn around because she loved me so much and felt my pain as hers, but she didn’t so I treated her to a dramatic groan and clutched at my aching stomach. My mum pirouetted around gracefully in her fluffy pink mule slippers, impressive as they had a bit of a heel on them. She fixed me with a stare and said ‘you are going to school as it’s your first day back’.  Well, I was outraged at the judgement before I had even spoken! I screeched at her that I had a terrible stomach-ache and felt sick. ‘Have some breakfast, a shower and get to school and you will feel better when you see your friends’ she calmly said. Well apparently social prescribing happened even during the 80’s!

I stomped off to the bathroom which earned me a telling off as we lived in a top floor flat, and I would have upset the downstairs neighbours. Thankfully Mum had put 50p in the meter and switched the emersion heater on in enough time for me to have a hot shower. Once in I reached for the Vosene shampoo (which I hated as my eyes stung for at least half an hour after washing my hair) and my shower gel of choice, well there was only Avon’s Aqua Clean. As I went about my cleaning ritual, I experienced the most tremendous stomach cramp, I doubled over and to my horror as I glanced down I saw blood running down my legs. I screamed for my mum ‘I am dying get in here quickly!’.

Mum barged her way in, her poodle perm bobbed up and down, electric blue mascara highlighting the panic in her eyes. She looked at me as I stood before her replicating the aftermath of the shower scene from Psycho (from the waist down anyway) and exclaimed ‘Oh I did not think I would need to be having this talk with you yet’.

I thrust out a hand for her to pass me the trendy avocado coloured bath towel that also happened to match the bathroom suite and yelled at her ‘excuse me?! I am bleeding to death here, shouldn’t you be calling an ambulance rather than just standing there talking in riddles!’ Mum just told me to get out of the shower, then proceeded to rummage through the bathroom cabinet, triumphantly holding up a pack of something that looked like nappies without the side fastenings. She went on to explain that I have started my period and to my dismay continued to inform me that I will experience this horrific turn of events on a monthly basis for many years to come. ‘Get your knickers on’, Mum calmly advised me.  A quick search for some saw me only find Wednesday ones even though it was Monday and my vest stated it was Friday. Mum handed me one of the nappy like objects and directed me to peel the sticky paper off the back and secure it into my knickers.

I followed her instruction, but as soon as I started walking around it felt like I was wearing a nappy. I demanded to know how she possibly expected me: number one – to go to school while I was clearly going to have no blood left in my body by the end of the day; and number two – everyone at school would question as to why I was walking around like King Louie from The Jungle Book?!

Apparently periods happen to females, it is just that I was quite young to start but I would get used to it and I was just being paranoid, no one would notice that I was wearing a sanitary towel. In addition, Mum hit me with the knowledge that I had to carry around those monstrosities (back in the 80’s we didn’t have discreet, pretty individually wrapped pads, no those were full on surf boards, standing loud and nothing subtle about them! Mum informed me that I should count myself lucky as when she started her period, she had to wear a sanitary belt to hold the thing in place…a sanitary belt?! I mean I loved an accessory as much as the next person but that just sounded nasty). Oh, and I also had to change the pad regularly throughout the day and not dispose of them down the toilet.

Well great, what an amazing start to my third year at Junior School and spoiler alert – the motivational Mum speech about how I would feel much better when I got to school did not play out, my day consisted of pain, rage, upset and walking like John Wayne. Final note, that day was also my birthday, it surely had to be the worst day of my life .. hadn’t it?